How can I even write the words I know I have to write? My life seems to be on a “permanent disconnect” right now. I’m sitting here, with “Clifford, the Big Red Dog” on the TV in the background, only to have William crawl up in my lap and ask, “Mom, can we go over to the cemetery?” to which I answer, “Whenever you want to go, I’ll go with you.”
We will visit the cemetery to see William’s sweet sister.
My Annie Jane.
It was just last Saturday that we sat in the Emergency Room in Ann Arbor after being there only 10 minutes. With tears in her eyes, the Doctor said, “There is no easy way to say this. Your baby has a large mass on her brain.” A tumor. My baby.
And so we said good-bye. We told her about Jesus and Heaven. We told her how much we loved her and remembered the things we had done with her in her six short months with us.
We grieve, oh yes we grieve. But we grieve with hope. Hope that she is safely in the arms of Jesus. Hope that Jesus will give us strength to endure each minute.
I’m not sure what direction my blog will take now. I guess I’ll just see. Everything seems quite new and unknown now.
But I do know this: God is faithful and He is true. I will sing because His mercies are new every morning. I will praise Him for His goodness. I will cling to His promises like I have never clung before. He is my peacemaker, my fear taker, my storm-smoother. And I need Him like never before.
Sweet Sarah ~ Out of habit, I checked your blog this morning. I was a little surprised to see you had updated, but not surprised to see you clinging onto Jesus right now. You're right, you have never needed Him quite like you do now, but He knows all you need and will graciously give it to you daily. Our church prayed for your family yesterday as did my parents' church and so many others all over the world! There are thousands of people praying (that's true, it is not an exaggeration) for you daily and will continue to do so. I am so very sorry for your pain. Just as William climbs into your lap to be comforted, climb into your heavenly Father's lap and allow Him to comfort you. We love you. – Lisa, Tim, Tyler & Trey
Oh sarah i dont know you but i know peter my heart breaks for you! I can not imagin losing a child a baby! I know that God has a plan. I had to check your blog today and weeped as i read it! I have children of my own a 4yr old and a 9 month old and since everything with sweet annie i have re prioritzed my time with them. I can not as a mother imagin how hard it is but i know God is awesome and he is there to help us through the tough times i dont think it could get much tougher for you! You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I know no words can take away your pain but if we all could we would! We here in buffalo wyoming at the weselyan church are praying for you all!!
I was suprised and excited to see your post today. I know that sounds strange, but excited only because I didn't know if you would check your blog, and I so wanted to tell you that my prayers are with you, as is my heart. I was so sad that I was here in Utah, and couldn't come and give you a hug. I still wish that I could. Tears have filled my eyes often over the past week as I thought of you and your heartbreak. Your faith is healing to me. I also immediately thought of your post right after Annie was born.
"Daddy, how is she going to know we're a family?" I think she knows.
What did we ever do without her?
I cried when I read it then because it was so touching. I cried reading it again, because never has it been more true. I think of you often, and pray for you every time.
I love you.
Sarah, Dennis & I would like you to know that you are in our hearts and prayers. May you feel the love of God's people praying earnestly for you and your family. – Dennis & Carol Van Dyk, Imlay City
Dear Sarah,
One thing I know for certain, in the short amount of time that I was privileged to spend with Annie this summer, is that she was incredibly loved and content. I particularly remember how peacefully she snuggled in your arms at the beach. You had such a gift with her! I was also completely amazed at how she was able to last through an entire church service snuggled up in your mom's arms. Oh she was soo loved and she knew it!
You have so beautifully captured William, Kate, and Annie's personalities in your blog! It is a treasure trove of sweet moments and honest reflections in times of great joy to life's deepest sorrows. You are an inspiration to me! I hope you know that you are loved and supported 100% in whatever you decide to do with your blog moving forward!
Praying for you daily!
Lots of Love,
Autumn
Thanks, Sarah, for posting. I have been thinking and praying for you so much. And, of course, wondering how you are, wondering how the children are, just how things are going. I have enjoyed reading your blog so much, too. It portrays a wonderful family…one that is funny and real, and has it's heart in the right place. Thanks for letting all of us be a part of Annie Jane's life. She will never be forgotten.
Thanks, Sarah, too, for being real and letting us know how you've handled the whole thing. I must admit that one of my worst fears is losing one of my children, and while that continues to be one of my real fears, you have shown me that God is faithful and gives strength. You're attitude and acceptance of God's plan has shown me that even if the worst does happen, God is faithful and capable.
Obviously, I wouldn't want to pressure you, but I do hope you'll continue to blog. You do such a wonderful job!
Thanks for sharing your life and Annie Jane.
Love,
Beth
Dear Precious Sarah,
My heart grieves for you at the thought of your loss. Even though we are so far apart and the distance keeps us from seeing each other, please know that you are not forgotten! I have been praying for you every time you cross my mind, which has been so often this past week. Even though I'm bummed you left me hanging at Bethel and didn't give me the chance to get to know you better 🙂 I am so happy that you chose the route you did and were able to meet up again with that wonderful man you call your husband. You have a wonderful family who loves you so much and most importantly, you all share the love of a wonderful Father who will stay by your side Forever! I will continue to pray that you find comfort in Him. Sending you our love….Erica.
Dear Sarah and Peter ~ I know you don't know me, but my husband and I know you through your parents.
Just wanted to pass along our deepest sympathy and many thoughts and prayers as you travel this journey of loss. I am a mother of 5, the youngest being 9 months. I could not fathom watching my oldest 4 go through the loss of their little sister, so with that I think often of little William and Kate.
May God keep you on the hearts of many and knowing that, may you be comforted in the most difficult of moments. May God bless you and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you as you travel this journey hand in hand.
Love in Christ,
Al and Heather Chupp
Sarah, my sweet "Cowboy",
Because of your blog, Will, Kate, and Annie are not strangers to us but rather our children… our grandchildren. You've captured their personalities in words and pictures and shared them with those of us who know and love you and Peter but are not with you in the day to day. I hope you understand the gift that you've give to all of us. It is because of that gift that we grieve with you, not as those without hope, but knowing, as you said, "she is in the arms of Jesus." We love you and are praying for God's comfort. –Kathy Ryman
Sarah,
You're on my mind and heart, and I'm praying for you and your family every day. Thanks for being a shining example of how to find God in the worst of situations. You're inspiring.
Rob Henschen
Sarah – I know you, Peter, Kate and William have been surrounded by a lot of people who love and care about you. Every time I've been around I didn't want to impose or push, but I felt compelled to let you know that Bill, Nick, Ashley and I have kept your family in our prayers. We've kept the postcard from Annie's celebration on our fridge and every time any of us see it we say a prayer for you four and one for Annie. Nick and I were blessed with being able to take care of Annie one worship Sunday in the nursery. She was,is and will remain a beauty – thank you for sharing her.
Denine
Yes, you did it, my friend. Wow, there it is all laid out. So many of us lived bits and pieces of the story with you, but you, Sarah, lived it, breathed it, slept with it, cried over your baby, and the potential ending. God knew your fears, your apprehensions, and He is walking with you as you continue to ponder the story. Thank you for letting us continue to ponder it with you. We will wonder forever, won't we? But we will also rejoice with you as we watch our Lord turn this into something beautiful – somehow.
Blessings and love, Greg and Chris
(pardon the earlier delete. i have such a hard time posting on here!)